Mid life crisis

Well, it's been two whole months since I've last blogged. It's like 3 am in the morning and I just woke up with a giant whopper of a stomach ache. Been having this upset stomach since Tuesday which makes me suspect that I actually might be allergic to putting food into my stomach.

Well, that niggly stomach woke me up and am unable to go back to sleep so have decided to come downstairs to spend some alone time with my thoughts. Rachel was blogging late into the night so there goes the alone time but then it felt intimate to be up in the middle of the night with my daughter even though she just duly passed the laptop to me and went upstairs to pack her stuff for college tomorrow.

Well, Rod Stewart is playing softly as I seriously think of what I really want to write about. My thoughts are all over the place and have not been sleeping good lately with a 2.45 am automatic wake up call that my brain and body seem unable to be shaking off. Probably a sign of getting old....

Sitting here and typing randomly, I realised that often I have restrained putting my real thoughts and feelings into pouring out my thoughts when I write as family and friends read the blog and I, as usual don't want to hurt their feelings and really.. some dark thoughts and secret passionate yearnings that I am having I'd really rather keep deep within my own deep recesses.

Guess restraining myself like that have been making me feel out of sorts and it's been making me feel quite trapped and asking if this is all there is to life ? Am I going through a mid life crisis ? Life is just too normal ..... As I go through everyday, I find myself getting tired of the everyday simple mundaness of things. It' s as if I am just going through the motions and the very actions of just living is a burden. Have not been going to church and God is actually quite far away at the moment...

Have been feeling like this for the past two months and really struggling to be happy. Cos that's what I have been lately... I am unhappy. Really unhappy. Can't pin point why I am unhappy though... its been a really long time that I have felt pure joy and passion.

Been missing Rachel lately too. She has just started college and made new friends and just discovered the power of being female. Even though we are really close .. closer than other moms and daughters are anyway can't shake off the feeling that I am losing her. Whilst on one hand I really want her to have the time of her life and experience all the exhilarating things being young has to offer, I can't help but to feel shut out when she spends all the time chatting with friends.... I guess I should respect her privacy and let her go but then she will always be my baby.

Also I probably wanted to relive my youth through her and I envy her the chances and opportunities that I never had when was her age. My siblings and I have always had it hard and all the things that young people nowadays take for granted , we had to stuggle for.

So it's been a kind of a stuggle for me lately... Life. Just felt like it's been a struggle since young even though I am proud of what I have achieved - a successful business, a loving husband, wonderful daughter and a closely knitted family.

Also, went through a really rough patch with my business partner which very nearly caused the whole partnership to be dissolved. Was depressed and stressed out like shit for like a whole week and even though everything is ok now... it still feels like both of us are treading on eggshells and restraining our words and feelings and actions which is really quite hard.

A lot of bad feelings and angry words were uttered during that couple of days and I guess both of us are still reeling and recovering from the force of resentment and anger being hurled both ways. Still recovering from that fiasco .... I guess both of us are overworked and stress finally took a toll on both of us... I really need to get away for a holiday soon.

Really need to rekindle the passion in Life soon. Also met some guys during the course of my work who were attracted to me and actually told me so. Its good to have my self esteem lifted up this way. I can still turn heads and look damn good for my age. However, instead of feeling good about it I was actually sad about it cos the one person whom I wanted to see me as gorgeous, attractive and worth paying attention too is also too caught up with Life to do that.

Before we take each other for granted, I want to do something about it so hubby, if you are reading this.. how about taking a romantic getaway to discover each other sound to you ?

I need to get away and discover unbridled passion, pure joy and love and I don't wanna do it alone. And I need to do it soon before I go insane and do something rash that I might regret.

So people... please pray for me.