sadness

I am restless. My heart is yearning for lost hopes, lost chances, lost dreams.

What if ? I have been more adventurous ? More carefree ? More irresponsible? More selfish? Less caring of what people think? Taken more risks?

Would I be a different person then? Would my life be better ? Or worse ? Would I be happier ? Or sadder? Would I be richer ? or poorer ?

Maybe it is mid life crisis, but I am sad. I have been sad most part of this year. Grandma's death impacted me more than I care to admit. I miss her badly. Miss her pure unselfish love for her family, for me. It will be hard to replace her love.

I miss being carefree. Miss just throwing caution to the wind and Just DO. Just FEEL. Just GO.

I miss laughing . Really laughing , from the heart. Not forced, Not pretend. But really laugh. Laugh because I feel pure joy. I have not really laughed. Not for a long time.

I miss being intimate. being loved, being held, being told everything will be OK cos we are in this together.

I miss having someone to really bare my soul to, to pour out my deepest , darkest thoughts without holding back. I miss having a shoulder to lean on.

I miss Rachel. Badly, terribly.

I am tired. Of this life. Of false pretenses. Of being told how lucky I am. Because I am living a lie.
Because I would throw it all away , just for a chance to be happy, really really happy again.