A recluse. That was what I am. The whole Chinese New Year.
Morose, grumpy,unsociable,tired, lazy and moody best describes my mood. Somehow, Chinese New Year doesn't feel the same anymore as I grow older. This year, I even find the process of cleaning the house, putting up decors and shopping for the necessary foodstuff to be a chore. Done because I don't have a choice. Done because it is expected of me.
Maybe it's due to the fact that a week before CNY, Uncle Ho passed on. A healthy man, who was never sick a day in his life, a wonderful father-in-law to my sister, the best father and a doting grandfather and who was seriously ill when the artery in his big intestine ruptured. Going to the intensive care with my sis and brother-in-law, seeing how many wires and needles were poked into a man whom, just a couple of days ago, seem virile and healthy, really breaks my heart.
After helping my sister and brother-in-law with the funeral arrangements, I was exhausted and the thought of Jamie standing alone beside her grandfather's coffin alone and silently crying affected all of us much. We miss him but more so Jamie, whom Uncle Ho ferries to & fro from school every day. They would be fighting over homework and fighting over Uncle Ho's efforts to make her eat, but laughing over some silly joke that only they both find funny. I wish I had known my grandpa like that.
This episode reminded me of how frail and fragile Life is. How, we as humans take for granted the people who loves us the most. For how, in our busiest time making money and chasing rainbows, we forget to stop and smell the roses, we forget to appreciate the ones dearest to us. We always have time for everything else but when it comes to our dearest and nearest, we always placed them last as we think they will understand. How we wish we could turn back time and told them that they are loved, cherished and appreciated only when it is too late.
Or maybe it is due to the fact that I have seen friendships of more than 30 years just fizzled out and died. The tradition of having CNY dinner with our friends have been going on for as far as I can remember. However, the past couple of years have been strained - what with some friends going through a divorce and some fallen out on some work and business issues. Last two years saw some of them going through the motion of coming for the dinner. But, you can see that they are going through the motions only. It is only people like me and a couple more who are sort of holding the group together.
This year, however, even going through the motions were tough for some people and the group ended up to just being 4 couples.
Maybe, I am a sentimental fool but I believe that in this cut throat world, all the more friendships should be cherished. All of us are not perfect but we can try to overlook our friends shortcomings especially if we go way back to 30 years ago. Cos its not easy to have friends that last a solid 30 years. Who have been there through your puberty stage where you discover the wonders of the opposite sex, who has been there through the time you got married, who has been there for you when you are going through a break-up or a divorce, who celebrated with you over your entry into varsity, who picked you up in his first car albeit an old jalopy just so we can go for a drink at the mamak store, who were your best men and ladies-in-witing during your wedding, who waits anxiously with you in the labour ward for your firstborn and whom you know you can count on. These are friends whom you do not let go easily. Not over some silly misunderstanding and some petty quarrel. Yes, it is petty, if we can just forget our egos and see past the wrongs.
Maybe it because my Grandma is getting on in years. When we went back to Ipoh, I could see that she was much older, weaker and more frail as compared to the last year. She walked slower, eat lesser and could not quite remember a lot of things.
So yes, I was in a sad & sombre mood this CNY. I refused to go out and spend time with my church friends, my best friends Irene & Siew Jongand my ex-schoolmates. I just wanted to be with Grandma. Playing cards with her and my uncles, seeing her smile, taking her to get her hair permed and moments spent just talking to her is priceless. These might be small things but it meant a lot to her and I am afraid of not having her with us anymore cos I love her to death. If there is one person I would do anything for, its Grandma. And the fact that she cries each time we come back to KL really breaks my heart.
Maybe, its because I miss my sister and brother-in-law, whom were not able to celebrate with us in Ipoh due the the passing on of Uncle Ho.
Maybe I am just getting old.
I really must break out from this reclusive mode soon. Having to nurse a fever, cold and cough for the past three days have not helped either.
But I shall try to be happier. I shall try to live a little. I shall try to accept invites from friends to go out soon. But for today, the last day of CNY, I am entitled to brood just a little while longer.
Happy Chap Goh Meh everyone.
